Life's Ties

     There's a comfort in the idea of death. Let me be clear, I am talking about death. Not the conceptual term of "forever" (which, frankly, terrifies me), or the metaphorical change represented by death. I mean six feet under the ground, maggots and worms squirming around your bones, death.
     Before I continue, know that in order to fully explore this subject, to explain my reasons for the reasons I see it this way, you have to learn a little about me. Please, bear with me, I promise it won't be too long or ucky and boring, but I warn you that there is background information of ME as a person. You've been fore-warned.
     *Ahem*. Back to the matter at hand.
     The idea that we have limited time on this planet in our current form (as "YOLO" is only reasonable unless reincarnation turns out to be real. I have no what happens after death, and prefer to be prepared for that possibility) is bracing. It's like a slap of cold, crisp air to the face after being too warm for too long, huddled up indoors in cramped, claustrophobic conditions.
     I won't lie. I have my life planned out. I already understand my personal life's dream, and I know what steps must be taken to achieve it. I know what house I want to own someday, the place I want to live the rest of my life, and on and on. In fairness, I have no plans as far as relationships go - let's just say I only recently had my first boyfriend ever and he didn't even last a month because he decided to sleep with a girl at a party, "sleep" in the most salacious terms just to eliminate confusion. So. I don't truly know if I'll find my "other half", or the person who helps me to be the best version of myself. What I do know is that when you want something, no matter how outrageous, you have a duty to your own self to make it happen.
     Yes, there are limitations. There always are. My family isn't well to do, and I'm barely staying out of college debt, only achievable because 3/4 of my tuition is paid in scholarship money. There aren't extra funds to use on the fun splurges in life, and I had many medical issues through middle and high school. The maintenance alone on keeping me functioning and alive is rather expensive. But I know my life's dream, and I know other things I'd like to do. For example, I'd like to write a book. In fact, I have approximately 30,000 words on a single word document waiting to be edited. It didn't happen magically, I had to force myself to do it. I knew what I wanted to write and that I would love it, but I wasn't getting around to it between doctor's appointments, surgery, and trying to do schoolwork to graduate on time. I had to buckle down, and make it happen for myself, and it was hard and long, but I did it. All that's left (cue the many evil cackles from other writers) is editing.
     At some point, I'd like to study overseas. Poke around Europe, take a stay in the U.K. for a bit. Not forever, but long enough to live and breathe and experience. I know it'll help me grow as a person, even though I will ultimately return to my forever home. However, I can't afford to leave and study elsewhere. At the same time, deep inside of me, there's this burning conviction to make it happen. The knowledge that, "I don't know how or when, but I WILL make this happen."
     I've always believed everything was connected already in a giant spiderweb of invisible ties. That everything, all of life, was tethered together by strings we could not see. That some of those strings were stronger than others (the classic example being family members versus friends versus acquaintances). I wouldn't call this a spiritual experience for me. Ever since I was a child this was, to me, a simple fact. There was no point in arguing the validity because it just was.
     I admit, while I found the concept of the Universal Mind Lattice interesting, I have serious reservations. This realization only hit them after ingesting LSD? Now, I know that as a child many people didn't understand my spiderweb idea, but I thought at least maybe more creative types would. Or maybe this isn't an idea people have really considered before. After all, I was a very quiet child, watching and learning and observing. If I had interests in subjects or topics, I went out of my way to learn more about them. I have a connection to animals that none in my family share, as if there is an unspoken understanding between me and other life forms. Last spring, a baby squirrel tried to crawl up my leg (out of nowhere, I might add, since I was off to the side watching it and its mother as they were so cute), and I even got pictures. Later, it let me go and they ran off, but for a few minutes, I stood still and silent as a baby squirrel held my leg and stared up at me. It had sharp claws but didn't puncture my skin, leaving only surface scratches, no blood or pain. That wasn't a spiritual experience for me. It was, as it had always been, proof of the spiderwebs that hold life together.
     Living organisms need each other, as plainly as that.
     Predators need prey just as badly as prey need predators. That's how healthy ecosystems are maintained. It is a stark, dark fact and most people don't enjoy watching lions eat antelope - I don't like it either! But I can compromise logic with emotion, and I know that this is how it has to be. It isn't like lions torture the antelope - though of predators, house cats might be an exception - but in the wild reality, it's a quick motion, action, then poof! One thread falls away from the spiderweb, another thread is born somewhere else.
     Personally, art is art, and I don't think a true calling can be named. This is my opinion, of course, but it seems art is subjective. I love to sketch, I'm reasonably skilled at it, but I can't paint worth a damn. It's not because I'm not good at art, or didn't have good inspiration going in, it's just not one of my skills. Certainly I could improve it, but I will never be at a level as my friend (who is flawlessly gifted at painting without thought or trying), who not only consciously works to improve herself but is naturally talented at it. I might get an idea for an evocative painting, but I couldn't do it myself. I could offer a rough sketch for someone else to paint, but wouldn't author it myself.
     Everyone can do art. That sounds silly and weird, and maybe some will see it as demeaning, but stay with me for a moment. If the spiderweb (the universal mind lattice) holds true, there is beauty in a predator stalking their prey - while the predator may use it as a survival skill, an outside observer can see the amazing art that it is. After all, when is the last time you saw a cow stalking grass? And if you did, it would look so absurd and ungainly, wouldn't it? There's writing, paining, drawing, singing, playing instruments, laughing, dancing, sculpture, acting, and in essence, living.
     Life it art.
     It isn't about a universal mind lattice - it is fact. It exists, and sure you can't see it, but that certainly doesn't make it any less real. I'm sure philosophers would argue with me, I'm sure we could go back and forth all day, but this piece is about what I think, so I'll say it plainly. I think things can be real, even if we can't see them. On the other hand, I'm a biology major who wants to get a master's in zoology, but while I hold beliefs in the power of science, I am also an outsider.
     Ever been around a bunch of scientists - or just annoyingly smart people - and known you didn't belong? I feel that way a lot. I can talk the talk with them, but I don't follow the common ideology. I don't think we can explain everything, and I don't think we were meant to either. For example: love. Okay, yes, there is a measurement to chemical reactions that occur when "in love", but I don't think that's all it is. Love is an idea, a concept, it is intangible in essence because it cannot be quantified - does a mother love her child or husband more? Or are the chemical reactions exactly the same? Does she then love them equally? But who would she choose if she could only have one of them? I am the first to admit that not understanding things upsets me. I take 15 minutes to shower, and 15 minutes to get ready to go out. I cannot understand how it is physically possible that one of my friends takes two hours to get ready, even after witnessing it. It upsets me because I have no idea how in the world it's happening, but I digress...
     Life is connected by invisible threads, tying us together in a sticky, cohesive sphere sometimes called "Earth". To me, this is why I understand that we cannot understand everything. I will never fully understand love, faith, souls, or how people can treat one another so cruelly, or how people can treat one another with such compassion and forgiveness. But I don't think I'm meant to full understand it. And that's okay with me.
     I would keep waxing my personal philosophy and start tying in how these threads go farther than that, off into infinity, but...
     That's a story for another day.