The Marriage of Heaven and Hell

     A lot of new books bother me.
     A lot of these quotes being perpetuated in modern society, in pop culture, bother me.
     There isn't any beauty in being messed up, mentally. People seem to think that being fucked in the head means you're automatically something more than others. Or that it grants you a special status.
     But it doesn't.
     What's beautiful, the part of it that actually matters and means something, is you. It's the strength. We've all been weak, been cowards - or maybe it's just me - but we don't stay that way. There is growth, and realization. Sometimes you cry, for hours, until your pillow is soaked. But sometimes you cry for a moment, then wipe away the tears, and get what needs to be done finished. This is beautiful.
      The idea that sickness gives an individual beauty is...saddening. Being ill doesn't necessarily make a person "good". They can still be horrible to other human beings.
     We all have a little heaven in us, and we all have a little hell in us.
     I've never been called an angel, or a demon. But I've been both.
      The personal sacrifices we make, when we are already so burdened by our own biological flaws, is angelic. The anger we unleash when someone we love and care about is hurting because of what someone else said, that is demonic. We are wrath and we are love. There is no separation between the two.
     Yin and Yang? The idea is that they aren't actually darkness and light. They are merely opposite forces which balance one another. That's all we are. A balance of darkness and light, good and bad, and there are people who are unbalanced with greater qualities of one or the other.
      Inside my own head, I can't say I think I have more good than bad. I don't act mean, not usually. I do everything I can to be a nice person, but sometimes my head is full of glass and nails and angry fog, and so even though I may look nice on the outside, inside I am hating. This isn't a mental disorder so much as a symptom of it. But I've never imagined what I could be without such feelings. I've never been able to comprehend what kind of person I would be without it.
     My own mental drama is not who I am, but it is a factor in me as a whole. I can't say it made me a better or worse person, but I can say it has taught me what things deserve my feelings and what don't. It has taught me to be stronger than it is. It's given me a power, one that I didn't realize I had.
     Maybe it isn't a worthy trade-off to suffer so deeply for such meager power, but if it's all I get, I'm taking it, no moping here.
     I don't want to be lonely and sad, I don't want to experience days of happiness and wake up the next morning feeling worthless. I want to be "okay", not even good, not bad. Just okay. That's what I want.
     In the end, we humans, no matter our personal mental state, are a marriage of heaven and hell. Normally, however, those of us with a personal problem mentally tend to be a bit stronger than the average person.
     More angelic than devilish. It's the one thing a mental disorder can give, and even then, you have to embrace your strength, not abuse it.